|My two Valentines|
Valentine's Day, like many holidays, raises the issue of expectations for me. I wonder what if anything we'll do to celebrate. I start to plan, then resent having to do the planning. I vacillate on if I want to observe the holiday or not. For years I eschewed Valentine’s Day, cynical about Hallmark, etc, but really I think I feared the disappointment of not having anyone do something romantic for me. I love flowers, nice dinners and thoughtful gifts. But if I expected any of those things, and didn't get them, then what?
So this year, I admitted to myself that I wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day. I wanted to buy and receive a small gift, I wanted to have dinner out with my husband. I told Carl those things. Just because I have an expectation and express it doesn't mean it will be fulfilled, but at least I know what I want. At least I'm not suppressing it and hiding behind cynicism. So that feels like progress.
As it turned out, a friend spontaneously offered to babysit for us last night, so we ended up having a nice dinner out, just the two of us. As we talked about religion, meditation and books, I felt the blessing of having this man as a partner. I am utterly myself with Carl, and feel such love and acceptance from him that no flowers or candy could ever compare to the gift of sharing my life with this extraordinary human. So thanks, Hallmark, for giving me a chance to remember and celebrate that.